Seriously

I'm going to have heart failure.

No results yet

So when I finished my prelims 2 weeks ago today I was told that the faculty have 2 weeks to grade them, and that some of them would take the entire 2 weeks, and that I would get an email with the results when they'd all been graded.

...

So...

...any minute now?

And I have all these really cool thoughts about prelims that I want to record and remember - about the studying process, and what the week was like, and the priesthood blessing I got the Sunday before they started, and how I didn't panic all week, and how t.i.r.e.d. I was that whole week even though I slept good hours and ate good meals, and how just COOL it was to realize that I KNOW STUFF about my field...

And I really wanted to write these thoughts all out before I get my results, since the really good feelings about it all are NOT connected to my results since, did I mention that I haven't gotten my results yet?

So here's the quick summary, since I'm tired and I want to go to bed. :)

I felt good about my prelims. :)

I think the hardest part was between exams (there were 4 different exams, 4 days in a row), when I realized how much adrenaline had been pumping through me during the exam itself and when I thought about needing ANOTHER and then ANOTHER and then ANOTHER chunk of that same amount of energy to just power through each exam.

Were the exams hard? Well, yeah, but I also feel like I was pretty well-prepared. I took time at the beginning of each exam, after I had read the question, to outline and organize my thoughts about the topic, and to list who I was going to cite to make my points, and guess what?! I HAD thoughts to organize for each topic and I HAD people to cite - I didn't blank out, which was cool! - I know some stuff! :) And then after outlining, it was a matter of writing as fast as I could to just power through the rest of the 3-hour block of time for that day. THAT was exhausting.

I felt REALLY blessed during the last 10 days of prep and the week of the exams. I know that a lot of people were praying for me - THANK YOU!!! - and I really felt crazily calm about it all, which was a HUGE deal to me. I was given some really meaningful counsel in the blessing that I got before the exams, and that was a great way to start the week and good guidance throughout.

Anyway, this isn't all that I wanted to record about this time period, but some of it will go in my journal, and I may share more here later.

But now I need to go to bed...so that I can get up in the morning...and check my email...

:)

Typoo

Proofreading is a good idea. I almost just sent an email with the subject line "A Poo equipment overdue."

It was supposed to say, "AV Pool equipment overdue." Sometimes this keyboard bugs the L out of me.




heehee

shots from today

One of the labbies at work was getting to know a fancy camera today, and thus we have preserved this:

...shirt I bought in Abu Dhabi when our luggage didn't arrive and I didn't want to wear my "I've been wearing this for 24 hrs of traveling" clothes to meetings at the university, new haircut that I am LOVING, aaaaaannnnnddd...dumb expression. Terrif.

And this:


...action shot of me and the pizza. ?!?

For the love.

For your midnight snacking pleasure: a bit of nostalgia

So it's 12:07 am and that means it's Sunday, and since I don't study on Sundays, that means I'm done with my prelim studying.

Read those last 6 words again, please, and see if they register with you a little more than they register with me as I think, type, and read them.

And also, it's after midnight, as I've already noted, which means that my emotions are a little closer to the surface than usual (no, I'm not crying) (Jer), so humor me while I wax nostalgic here for a minute.

I've been preparing for prelims for almost 2 and a half years now, since September 2008. As first year students my cohort (now my dear, dear friends) and I were warned to start preparing immediately, there was a lot to read. And there was, and we did. We had a very consistent study/reading group that first year. It petered out a bit second year, as we realized we were on different schedules for the actual date of prelims (I'm the last one of that cohort to take them; Arabic classes put me a bit behind in my other coursework), but even this previous semester, when I was the only one still preparing, we have met every couple of weeks and talked about their dissertation proposals and pilots and my prelim prep. They've talked me out of (and into :) ) panic on multiple occasions and been THE. MOST. FABULOUS. supporters and cheerleaders and co-conspirators that a grad student could ask for.

And now my exams start Monday. There will be four 3-hour exams, Mon-Thurs, and then I'll wait for ~2 weeks to find out if I pass or if I have to retake any of the portions (in May).

It's just crazy -- all this time, all this reading, all this trying to understand, to reason, to remember, to put things together in my head, to not doubt my abilities to understand, reason, remember.

The last couple of days, and especially today, I've felt a difference in my reading and reviewing and comprehension. I feel like I FINALLY (only now?! ;) ) understand what I should be looking for as I read a theoretical piece or a research article. I'm finally seeing some of the big pieces in my field and how they fit together. And I feel like--let's just get this prelim thing over with already! :)

And yet with all that is a bit of nostalgia--is this really happening? Is the dread of prelims really going to be a thing of the past in just a few days? Am I really one of those students who does this, who makes it to this point, who TAKES PRELIMS, for goodness sake?? This is a big deal, a big step. It's been pretty emotional to talk to my family and friends about it -- there's so much emotion and insecurity tied up in my confidence in myself, in my fear that I actually CAN'T do big important things or ever be an expert in anything.

When I was taking a little study break earlier I found this, from a post back in 2006 when I was working (and working, and working) on my Master's thesis:

I have realized recently that the good feeling [that I had posted about the day before] is NOT that I am working on my thesis. The good feeling is PROGRESSION. The purpose of my life is NOT to finish this dang thesis, THAT is not why I feel so much better when I work on it. The purpose of life is to PROGRESS. And I have NOT been doing so the last I-refuse-to-admit-how-many months -- I was allowing my thesis-writing, or lack thereof, to be exact, to hold me back, to "damn," or "dam," my forward progress. But [...] I have broken through that "wall" and can now move forward. And right now, moving forward means getting the thesis done. Here I go!

I think that's part of what I'm feeling now -- this is the next step for me, it's progression, and it is scary, but good. And I'm happy that I'm doing it. :)

So it's really interesting to be here, now, to feel like, for better or for worse, I'm taking prelims the day after...today, and people? I'm ready. (And fine, now I'm crying. :P) I don't know everything, but I know quite a bit of "stuff," and I hope and pray it's enough, and deep down I feel like it is. It's still scary--they may, they probably will!, ask me something that I really have to dig and stretch to be able to say anything about, but I'll write something, and I'll turn it in, and...life will go on. And maybe in a few weeks I'll wonder what the big deal was. Maybe. ;)

And I haven't cleaned this up yet:




But hey, it's past midnight (did I say that already?) and I'm going to bed.

Besides, I'm not quite ready to say good-bye yet.

This is what's up

So I'm studying for my PhD prelims exams. Other programs might call them quals, or something else, but we call them prelims, and they are the HUGE exams that we have to take (well, not just take, but also PASS), before we can officially do dissertation stuff. Did I mention that they are huge? And scary? And start on Monday?

Yeah.

So I've been back from Christmas break since Friday night and studying (or attempting to study) since then. And it has has NOT been awesome the last couple of days. I hit a point yesterday, as my wise past-quals BIL warned me I would, where I realized I was getting limited returns on my study efforts - my brain was full, and trying to hammer more in there was not working. And I was really worried. So I kinda took 23 hrs off. eep. Not really intentionally, or premeditatedly, but...yeah.

BUT!!

I had a break-through tonight! I FINALLY started doing what I should have been doing all week, but was too scared and felt too unprepared to do - drafting outlines to previous prelim questions, to see how I would have answered them, and tying all these ideas and theories together. I've been DREADING doing this, because any time I've read a previous prelim question I've TOTALLY PANICKED because I have had NO IDEA how I would answer it! And that happened today, too, but I guess I am finally at a point where I decided I had to muscle through that, so I did and guess what?! I know some stuff! :) I'm writing down the references that I can think of off the top of my head, and how I would tie them in, and then I'm looking up more (from among my reading list - nothing new at this point - good heavens!), and...

IT'S FUN!!!!!

Bwahahahahahahaaa!!

One thing that's been really worrying me is that I've been feeling like I know so few research studies that I can reference along with all the theoretical stuff, but in doing this outlining-and-looking-things-up thing I am finding that I only need small prompts to remember studies that I've read and analyzed, so that's been a HUGE relief - woohoo!

So I'm feeling lots more hopeful and relieved and I think I'll actually be able to sleep ok tonight instead of lying awake worrying about everything I DON'T know. (You should try that sometime...actually, no, don't.)

AND I'm actually looking forward to studying tomorrow - more fun!

All of which goes to show that I really like my field (which I initially typed as "fiend" - Freudian, anyone?), or that I'm up too late.

Good night.

The price you have to pay

Wading in the [in the US: Persian, here: Arabian] Gulf in December while my friends are buried in snow: Priceless

Having sand in my socks for the rest of the day: TOTALLY worth it. :)

P.S. I'm not ready to go home yet. This place--this experience--is just incredible!

Hey - I'm in Paris!!

We made it to Paris - phew! This was after our flight to Minneapolis was canceled (…the day before we were to fly, but we didn't find out until we arrived at the airport; apparently they got some snow, or something? ;) ), and we got rerouted through Detroit and the Dulles airport in DC on our way to Paris, where we'll get on our original flight to Abu Dhabi in a couple of hours. We ran through Dulles - "it's not far," the airline lady told us about our gate, so we ran through hallway-escalator-hallway-BUS!-escalator-hallway and finally made it, barely!, on the flight to Paris! (I think "it's not far" will be one of the jokes from this trip - we've already used it once since then. :) ) One of the flight attendants saw us coming down the entryway hall thingy, and must have been able to tell how harried we were, because he moved to block the doorway, with a big smile - "I'm sorry, we've taken the final passengers!" When I teased him back in French that that wasn't nice, he then tried to tell me that this was actually a flight to Mexico. :)

So I've been able to use my French a little, and even! a little Arabic! Very little. :) We sat next to a nice Frenchman, and in getting to know each other a bit, J (the prof I'm traveling with), said that she speaks German, and in German she said, "and a little Swahili." And our new friend said something in German and then, in Arabic, said, "Do you speak Arabic?" And I said "Na'am!" and then tried to say something else - FAIL - and we went back to English. :) Ah well. :)

So one more pretty long flight, after not much sleep the night before departure (ask me about my new hairdryer sometime) and not much sleep on the flight to Paris, and then, luckily, we arrive in Abu Dhabi in the evening, and "sleep" is the first thing on my agenda. :)

So the plan is:
Monday - meetings with big names at the university and visiting classes
Tuesday - a speech by J and 2 poetry competitions (no I will not be competing :P )
Wednesday - a tour of Abu Dhabi, more class visitations, and another speech by J
Thursday - tour of Dubai!
Friday - 2am departure back to the States

Woohoo!

Just in case you forgot...

...this is what I look like when I'm talking:


And also - this:


And for those of you who need it - photographic evidence that I DON'T actually talk ALL the time:

The end.

Sharing

A beautiful poem by a dear friend - here.

Enjoy.

They learn so young. Or something.

I was chatting with my namesake-niece on the phone last night, asking her about her first couple of weeks in Young Women (she just turned 12 - !!!!!!!!!), and she said something about how since next week is a combined activity with the young men that means the girls will have to, groan, be in the same room as the boys for the mid-week activity.

Me: C'mon, boys aren't THAT bad.

My namesake-niece (who just turned 12, remember!): I have to hate boys now, because in a few years I won't have that option.

Ahem.

Wow.

and now...good-bye for 2 months

I just officially registered to take my PhD exams (we call them "prelims" here) in January. Two months from this week.

I'm frightened. I have my schedule of what I need to read and study, and it's a LOT. And will take a LOT of time. And my friends who've already gone through this process and passed prelims have told me that I need to give up on having balance in my life until after prelims are over.

Sigh.

And I've been feeling a little of this recently.

Send help...??

So...being lifelike is a GOOD thing??

And I quote Shylina, about some game called "Animal Crossing":

"If I wanted to play a game where I'm constantly in debt, I'd just live life."

Don't we all?!

Me: Wow! One of the students in my program got a $12,000 grant to support her dissertation research!

My supervisor: That's awesome! I LOVE $12,000!

Weeping and wailing and...what? Oh.

I just got a phone call from my sister, and I panicked--I couldn't understand a blessed word she was saying! She sounded garbled - like she was sobbing uncontrollably or there was something horrendous happening in the background. Possible explanations flashed through my mind as I left my office and ran to a place with better cell phone reception - her husband lost his job? Got a better job? One of the kids got hit by a car? She broke her leg??

None of the above.

She was laughing. Uncontrollably.

She just called to say that she got my email with this link in it.

Well. I'm so glad she enjoyed it. :)

Jealous, shmealous

Me, showing off my yummy dinner to my roommate: You should be jealous of me!

Her: I'm eating bacon right now.




Well, dang. I take it back.

AND ALSO!!! My 9-year-old nephew can recite the "Betty Botter" poem. IN PIG LATIN. I'm just sayin'...

Tree hugger?

Me: If I save paper by printing 4-pages-to-a-page but ruin my eyesight trying to read it, is that an overall win, or an overall loss?

My supervisor: It depends on how much your eyes would help the environment later.

Location, location, location

I was there Monday:

He was there Tuesday*.

Doesn't that make me famous?

Or something?

...please...?

*Click "gallery" in the bottom right corner of the picture, and then click to picture #17. It's the same podium, I swear.

Thanks for the picture, Jae! :)

Reason #1,900,889 that I completely adore my family

My aunt, my dad's sister, sent out the following email:

Because of an unfortunate event involving a demonstration of water safety to horses, my phone drowned. My new number is .... It's a Verizon cell with a two year sentence.

The horses did not snicker out loud.

My dad responded with:

I'm sorry, but you cannot leave the story like this.

I can picture you lending your cell phone to a horse who, texting while water skiing, ran into a wombat in a canoe being chased by a feral chicken. I can see the chicken, distracted, catching the cell phone dropped by the horse and, preferring a live cell phone to a wombat sharing a canoe with a horse, crossing the road and disappearing from human ken with your phone. But why would this cause your cell phone to drown?

I can also picture another, less likely, scenario, which ends up with your cell phone breathing its last (with a smile on its face) in a vat of molten (not moulted - that is a detail that goes with the other story) Ghirardelli chocolate.

Which of the two happened? And did you really mean drown, or did it just run off with some chick?

:) :)

Happy Vacation, people! :)

So there pretty much isn't anything cuter than my 4-yr-old niece strutting around in her little blue jeans and pink sunglasses. And I do mean strutting. Pretty much makes me want to die...of...her cuteness...

So here's what I've been up to:

- one week at sister #3's house in central CA with her and her 4 kids, Mom and Dad, and sister #4 and her 2-yr-old. 900 degrees outside--ugh.
- two weeks with sister #4 in southern CA. 60 degrees outside--aaah.
- now--partway through another two weeks with sister #3 and her fam
- then--2 weeks in UT with the parentals and sister #1 and her 7-yr-old

WOOOHOOO! :)

So there's been a lot of the following:

- being pleasantly awoken (waked up?) by cheery little 2- or 4-yr-old faces and giggles :)
- snuggling with small, and not so small, children at bedtime and in the morning and at random times during the day
- reading books to some of my favorite people on the planet
- enjoying air conditioning, someone else's cooking, and garden-fresh produce
- otter pops :)
- thinking, thinking, thinking
- organizing sister #3's house. Heehee! :) You think I'm kidding, maybe, but I'm not. I suggested that we do some big project while I'm there (here), since having another adult around can be really helpful. So she suggested, giggling, that we reorganize her ENTIRE HOUSE--new containers for things, labels, the whole shebang. Woohoo! :) So far we've done her junk drawer, the games/linen closet, and her walk-in closet. SO FUN! :) I just hope I don't get burned out of cleaning and organizing such that I won't want to unpack into my new apartment when I get home.

Um, what else? OH! Girls night in southern CA with Sarah and my sis, and dinner with her and Nathan and cute little Molly. Molly and my niece are almost the same age, and pretty much totally hilarious together. Friends like Sarah are rare, and hence a treasure.

OK, I'm off to shower and clean a closet and shuttle kids to playdates. :)