Post-prelim letdown?

I don't know if it's just that finding out my prelim results ended up being anti-climactic after all, or if I spent too much time with my eReader that first week and it rotted my brain, or if my trips out of town the last two weekends have just thrown me out of my groove, or maybe it's that I need to eat something besides cold cereal and burritos, or the fact that we haven't seen the sun for a while, but it's been several weeks since I felt good, physically or emotionally, and I haven't felt this low for this long for a really long time, and I'm tired of it, but also too tired to have the wherewithal to do anything about it. And I feel really pathetic even posting this, but there you go, that's my life right now.

Mouse count

= 4

Unless that first one that Dan and I accidentally let go in the driveway got back in and got caught again. In which case:

Mouse count = 3

Which is still pretty yucky.

The Good, the Bad, and the Really, Really Yucky.

The good:
I got a 100% on my midterm for my Islam class. :) I told one of my classmates, who is also in my Arabic class, that it's been a while since I got 100% on anything, and he said, "What about in Arabic class?" Um, yeah. About that.

The bad:
I AGAIN fought with the phone tree system of a certain wireless company to try to tell them that I DON'T actually owe them $184.68 in early termination fees, since I canceled the contract in less than 30 days. And NOT ONLY do I not owe them that money, but the nice employee that I talked to the last time I fought with their phone system told me he had cleared the charges, so something is messed up, since I am STILL getting threatening letters about how they're going to send me to a collections agency if I don't pay up. AND!!! NOT ONLY should those charges have already been cleared by the last guy I talked to, but even getting to talk to a person is a royal pain!! They sent me THREE different customer service numbers, ALL of which required me to enter my 10-digit phone number to continue. When I entered it, the system said, "That is a not a valid number with our company" and kicked me out. I KNOW it's not a valid number! I'm no longer with your company! The letter that you sent me, WHICH TOLD ME TO CALL THIS NUMBER, acknowledged that I'm no longer with your company! And yet there is no number I can call to get through the system.

Erg.

Obviously I eventually got through. I entered my phone number as 10 0's. Twice. :) And then I selected the menu option about activating a prepaid phone that I (supposedly) purchased at a store. THEN I got a human, who listened to me rant and then told me very nicely that she was with the prepaid department and would be happy to transfer me to the contracts dept. :) But hey - at least she didn't kick me entirely out of the system.

Anyway, moving on.

The Really, Really, Yucky:
It is confirmed that we have a mouse in our house. My roommate told me a few days ago that she suspected it, and I confirmed it. WITH MY OWN TWO EYES. That's right, I saw the nasty little bugger. It was eating one of my potatoes in the pantry. And yes, I jumped backwards and screamed like a girl, which, in fact, I am.

So now we get to put all our food in hard sided containers and set traps and maybe borrow Dan's cat and throw her in the pantry and shut the door and see what happens.

Good times, internets, good times.

The proverbial straw

Through all the stress of this summer - the Arabic program, the personal stresses, the housing stresses, and let me again mention the Arabic program - there have been 2 things that have been keeping me going through this Arabic struggle. One of them was the family reunions at the end of the summer - one-and-a-half or two weeks with ALL my nieces and nephews. I have been holding on to that as if it would save my sanity these past weeks, and it has.

And last night I found out that one sister and her four kids will only overlap with me at the reunions for TWO DAYS. They just found out the day that school starts in their new school district, and because of that and the end date of my Arabic program, we'll only be together for two days.

TWO DAYS.

I am heartbroken.

I sat in my car last night and sobbed and sobbed and beat my steering wheel and yelled in frustration and sorrow and anger - about this HUGE disappointment, on top of everything else I have been dealing with this summer...it's just too much...and so I think that that bit of news was more than my already-beaten-down little psyche could handle - nothing else will register, and this morning I went to class more cheerful than I have been in days. I can't handle the thought of that small amount of time with them when I was looking forward - for eight months!!! - to so much more time together, so I think I am suppressing the pain and disappointment to the point that it doesn't exist or can't hurt me anymore.

Except when I think about it for more than 2 seconds. Then the tears start again.

I know life isn't supposed to be fair, but after eight months of looking forward to time with them - only TWO DAYS?! Puh-LEASE!!

It's a good thing I'll be with my other two adorable nieces and my other two fabulous sisters and my wonderful parents for longer than that - missing ALL of them would kill me for sure. I just wanted us all to be together for a while...

So Life, if you have any more disappointments or pain in store for me, could you hold off, please? Even just for a couple of months? I'm pretty much operating at capacity right now.

AAAAHHHH!!! and also - UGH. and also - ARGGGGHHH!!!

So I feel like all my one-liner posts lately have been just little teasers and not actual news, and this one will be no exception. Except that maybe it will, because now that I'm sitting down to write ANYTHING, writing seems like a good idea. So we'll see how this goes. Wow, that was quite a disclaimer.

So the real point of this post is the subject line. I just needed to let that out. Things are really stressful for me right now for a number of reasons, and I need an outlet RIGHT NOW, and you are it, you lucky internets, you. So here are the issues:

1) I'm in an intensive Arabic immersion program right now. We just finished week 2, and since we're doing 2 semesters in 8 weeks, we just did the equivalent of half a semester's work in the last 2 weeks. It's a little depressing how much Arabic I CAN'T speak. And how much English I'm not SUPPOSED to be speaking, but am anyway. Eep.

There is LOTS more to say about that, but two colleagues and I are doing a research project related to our experiences in our 3 different intensive language programs this summer, so I really should be writing about the Arabic stuff on that private research blog instead of here. So you get nothin'. Sorry. Um, except that I think that the Arabic program relates in one way or another to each of my other points. So, um, read on. Or not. whatever. :)

2) I am AGAIN in a situation of needing someone to sublet my apartment. I say "again" because I was in this situation last summer, and it was sticky and uncomfortable and expensive and took some tolls on my mental health and my relationship with one set of roommates. This summer I need to sublet because the Arabic program, being an immersion program, requires me to live in the dorms. So I'm living in the dorms (oh joy oh rapture) and my apartment is sitting empty. Well, with all my stuff in it. I have been looking for someone to sublet, and there have been probably 6 or 7 options, some of which were people related to or connected to members of the Church that I know, and some of them would have wanted to use my furniture and dishes, which would have been fine with me, mostly because then I wouldn't have to move or store my furniture right now, so I didn't actually pack up my apartment, which was NOT smart. I didn't post it on Craig's List because of the possible options that were turning up in other ways, but now there is no one in it, and July's rent is due next week. Awesome. There are still 2 options of people to move in, but the first has been slow on the paperwork, and now the manager of the complex is out of town, and if she refuses to rent to them, you know, once she gets back in town at some undetermined point next week, then my OTHER option will have already had to have found another place to live, since their current contract ends next Tuesday. Again, awesome.

And all of this is really weird deja vu back to last summer - I had 2 options lined up, the first fell through, but by the time she fell through, the other had found another option, so I had no one. And it ended up costing me about $1500. Sigh. And yet I'm doing the same thing again. Why?!?!

But it's less of an issue this summer, even tho I'm still feeling really stressed right now about it, because it doesn't involve negative feelings with roommates, so that is really nice. The main problem now is that I have no time to go pack up the apartment because, whadda ya know!, this "intensive" Arabic program, really is INTENSE! So free time? not so much of it these days.

3) There is some, um, personal stuff going on, which, since it's personal, I won't be discussing here, but suffice it to say, it's stressing me out. And one reason for needing an outlet RIGHT NOW was related to it. All of which sounds really mysterious and probably a titch crazy, but hey, whatever, I'm a titch crazy.

And after all that, here's the good stuff, because there IS good stuff! :)

1) I have a couple of family reunions coming up at the end of the summer, and I am REALLY excited about that!!! I talked to one of my cousins the other day about one reunion, and I am SO excited to be around all those great people!! :) :) And to be RELATED to all those great people! :)

2) Two classmates and I had a proposal accepted to present at a conference this fall, based on research we did last semester! AWESOME!!!! :) :) I'm a scholar! hee hee hee!

3) I don't think I ever posted here that I got a REALLY awesome funding package for next year, which will allow me to NOT be a TA of any sort - I just get to take classes, and they'll pay me! AND they'll pay my tuition! :) :) It also means that the decision about which TAship to take for next year was a moot point. I won't say that it was unnecessary, because it did get me focused in some good ways, but in the end, my concern about offending one prof by NOT accepting that TAship...didn't matter; I ended up taking neither. :)

4) My family loves me. :)
4a) My fabulous aunt called me from France the other day!! She has a study abroad group there again, and I'm SO flattered that she'd call me to get my input!! Of course, I missed her call due to my Arabic program, but still!! and it made me super excited to hang out with her at the reunion in August!!
4b) I talked to my dad over the weekend, and then he sent me an email the other day, expressing his love and confidence in me, and it really meant a lot to me. And I get to see him at the end of the summer, too. :) :)
4c) My sister emailed me the other day, and the subject line of her email was, "How do you say, 'I miss you' in Arabic?" and I REALLY needed to hear from someone close to me that day, and her email was perfect. :) And then later when I called her house and talked briefly to her husband in an attempt to track down my dad, she called back a minute later and said, among other things, "What's this?! I send you an email saying how much I miss you and then you call and don't even talk to me? How do you say, 'you suck' in Arabic??" And that made me laugh, and then it made me cry, because I love her and she loves me, and then I babbled about how stressed I am, and that didn't make it all better, but it helped. Love helps. :)

5) I run!!! And by that I mean that I dragged my sorry tush out of bed before 7am yesterday AND today to go running - BY MYSELF. GO ME!! And if two days doesn't seem like a big accomplishment to you, that's because you don't know that MY RUNNING PARTNER LEFT TOWN early Thursday morning!!! Do you even REALIZE the significance of this information?! That means that EVEN THOUGH I would not be standing someone up if I didn't get up and go running, I STILL WENT RUNNING!!! I KNOW! It's HUGE!!

Let me put this in perspective so you can actually appreciate what a big accomplishment this is. We are talking about a girl who has a REALLY hard time getting out of bed without a firm early morning commitment that involves other people. For example, back in the day when Jer and Brooke lived in Springville, and I lived in Provo, the only reason I got to work at a reasonable hour was because they picked me up on the way to campus. Picked me up and drove me across the street to where Jer and I worked. Across the street. Literally. It would have taken me almost the same amount of time to walk to work as it took for them to drive me, but if I had walked I would have gotten there at 11am. Maybe. When they picked me up - 8am every day.

So please, celebrate the running with me. :)

Um, ok, I think I'm done. Yeah, this was a little more than a one-liner, and it felt good. I might be back. :)

If I fail in life and die...

...it will be because I was checking blogs when I was supposed to be finishing my stats final that I have to turn in in about an hour.

Yeah, take a wild guess how much I am luuuurving stats right now...

Dear my-friends-who-are-partying-right-now,

I hope YOUR party is as fun as MINE. I'm writing an abstract to report on a research project that I haven't done yet. Yippee!

AND I'm about to eat a chicken pot pie, hot from the oven. Yowza!

And after THAT, I'm going to work on my stats midterm that's due tomorrow. Woohoo!

Please try to control your envy.

Love,
Me

I'd like my dignity back, please.

Do you ever look back on recent events in your life and wonder, "Who is the IDIOT that's been living in my body and interacting with my friends recently?!"

Well, that's the question of the hour around my house right now. Seriously, I'm cringing. Eep.

Here's hoping that the REAL Margaret gets back soon and takes over again. And that her friends won't hold her absence against her.

Aaaaaand it's gone.

Today I just want to be done with school and have a job with a salary and paid vacation time so I can go to Paris.

sigh

Open letter to the guy sitting in his car outside my apartment

Please turn your music down. Surely there is a volume at which you will be able to hear it and I will not.

Thank you.

Eeep!

Today I got my first paycheck as a grad student TA.

This I do not love about being a student.

Holding my breath...

I just had THE. MOST. PERFECT. vacation weekend with some extended family, including two ADORABLE children who now love me, and just now at some point in the process of getting the pictures from the weekend off my camera and onto my computer the camera battery died and the photos had NOT yet appeared on my computer and I am hoping hoping hoping that they didn't just vanish in the process but I won't know until the battery is charged since I can't check on the camera to see if they are still there without a battery and if I lost them all I may just have to resort to drastic action.

Like weeping.

Seriously.

When life gives you lemons, don't rub them on that paper cut you gave yourself yesterday.

So I'm in a really sticky situation that has been going on for several weeks now and that I admit is at least partially of my own making. I don't really want to post any details here.

And it hurts. I'm struggling with how to act and how to feel, and it IS a struggle. I am trying to stand up for myself (which I'm not very good at), but also not be a total jerk to the other people involved, and I'm not sure that I'm doing a very good job at either.

AND I'm trying to have faith that this will work out, and I'm trying to be ok with the fact that I don't get to define what that means, but that Heavenly Father does, and that that is better than me defining it.

Really, it's better. Really.

Argh.

Pray for me, please?

I may have to cancel my move.

I JUST found out that one of my very favorite bands, Great Big Sea, is playing at Wolf Trap on 22 August.

That's the week AFTER I'm moving out of the state. why WHY WHY?!?!

AND they are playing with Eddie from Ohio, who I would also LOVE to see in concert.

ARGH!!!!!!!!

I really don't know how to convey how heartbroken I am about this. GBS has kept me sane on MANY a 40-minute commute, and several of their songs have consoled me to the point of tears of relief and release when I have been stressing out and worried about things. (That sounds a little weird, even to me, and I'm the one who lived it and wrote it...) Even my very hip brother-in-law enjoyed their music on my mp3 player, and for a geek like me, that's a BIG DEAL! ;) And you would think that listening to the same songs day after day for weeks at a time would get old, but it hasn't happened yet! I sometimes vary the soundtrack on my commute for fear that I'll get sick of GBS, but I usually last only one or two commutes on a different group before I'm back. They have been the soundtrack of my life since about October of last year, and now I'm going to miss their concert. :( :( :(

I think I'll go see this in Chicago with her and her and Elise to console myself.

And maybe I'll go see this at Wolf Trap tonight so that at least I can be in the same place where Great Big Sea will be on 22 August...

Happy Monday.

So this...

is me icing my swollen sprained ankle on a bag of frozen corn propped up on a cardboard box under my desk. Yeah, I'm awesome.

And go ahead and laugh [insert fake bitter voice here] but no one was laughing on Saturday when I sprained it during the 4th quarter of my ward basketball game. We, one of the three weakest teams in the league, were only down by FOUR POINTS in our game against one of the three strongest teams in the league, and we SO wanted to win!! We lost by 8 points. :( And yes it was a partial triumph because we did hold them to 32 points, but the other team's low score is only really useful if your score is HIGHER, which ours was not. Ah well.

But my roommate offered to buy me some frozen peas on the way home from work. You know, just for variety. That's the kind of support I need! I mean, my ankles are pretty picky about their veggies.

So maybe I AM an idiot. Or maybe I am just hungry.

So I have lots of things to blog about! Like:

• my students' responses in the culture bowl. (Did you know that C.S. Lewis invented the printing press? or that New Jersey is the capital of Columbia?)
• yesterday was the last day of school.
• I'm REALLY excited to only have ONE job this summer.
• I am leaving for France in TWENTY-FOUR DAYS.

Or maybe just:

• my job hunt led me to a bunch of REALLY depressing information about how much EFFORT it will take to get a teaching license in Massachusetts.

Arg.

It makes me wonder if:

• it's even worth getting one, since I only plan to teach for a couple of years anyway.
• I have the time to get it done this summer.
• I should even bother applying for jobs before I have done all the licensing crap.
• I know enough to pass the content exam.
• I spoke too soon about moving to Boston.
• It's time for me to leave my office and go home and eat dinner before I decide that I should just apply to work at Wendys and totally give up on switching states, teaching, and life beyond hot French fries and a cold Frosty.
  

Arg.

Sometimes stuff just STINKS.

Yesterday I was bugged at:

• boys
• traffic
• staying at work too long and getting too little done
• being hungry

Today I am bugged at:

• my crappy lesson plan for today
• hitting the snooze button too many times
• snotty students who won't stay on task in class

BUT - I saw my aunt as Aunt Martha in "Arsenic and Old Lace" last night, and she was FABULOUS, just like I knew she would be. And there ARE tasks in my life that ARE getting done. And my first payment for my trip to France this summer is due, which means I am REALLY GOING!

So I guess I can keep on just keepin' on for a little while longer. :P