I had forgotten that I have a mantra.

So thanks for the reminder, Jer. It's a good one. The mantra, that is.

I remember feeling really strongly about that when I worked on campus (is that what makes it a mantra?) (feeling strongly about it, not working on campus), and I remember that those who knew me well could tell when I was really FEELING that mantra. One time, after I spoke, er, strongly on the phone to someone who I felt qualified for the second half of the mantra, one of my coworkers popped his head in from the back room and said, "Remind me never to get you mad at me." And I remember being a little proud, and a little ashamed.

And I've been thinking about that recently, because in my new job as a manager there are moments when I am tempted to speak strongly to people who do dumb things. And yet - I am learning that getting mad and speaking strongly like I have done in the past is not professional. OK, DUH maybe?? I witnessed a situation recently in which I felt that a person in authority at work had every reason to speak strongly, angrily strongly, to someone, and yet - she didn't. She dealt with the situation, everyone knew that she was in charge, but she didn't use anger to take care of it. I was very impressed.

And as I analyze that in light of situations in which I might be tempted to use my "mean and impatient voice," I think my "take away" lesson is that losing self-control, or even pretending to, to make an impression, which is often what I used to do, is not being professional, is not being a true adult. It really is a way to try to manipulate people into doing what you want so that you won't...won't what? What kind of threats are we making when we do that? And what makes us think it's acceptable to treat people like that?

It reminds me of another conversation I had recently with a friend who is a teacher. We were talking about discipline in the classroom, which was always really hard for me. In my mind, it has to do with authority, and with acknowledging and knowing the bounds of your own authority. There were times during that first and only (so far) year as a public school teacher when I wasn't sure how to deal with a given situation because I wasn't sure what I was allowed to do - I didn't know how far my authority went. I figured out some parts of that as a teacher, and now I find that I'm figuring out some of the same sorts of things in this job as a manager - what things are my call, and what things I need to escalate. It's really been an interesting process for me.

AND - same topic - I've been reading these books the last two days that my sis and bro-in-law gave me for Christmas. I've read two in the series so far, and I found that I was getting annoyed at some of the kids in the book because they were NOT going to the adults about what was going on, and so they were getting more and more buried in trouble that was not their fault. I felt like if they had just gone to the adults, and explained, then the adults would have been on their side, the kids wouldn't have gotten in trouble, and things would have gone more smoothly. It was a little bit of a shock to me when I realized that that was what I was feeling - what's with me and authority??

And wow - this is a little more serious than I've been on here lately, or ever, maybe :) , but my (sometimes excessive?) respect for authority is something that I've talked about with friends before, and thought about A LOT, and obviously there have been some things recently that have brought it to mind. And I'd like to get to the bottom of it, but maybe not right now, when it's this late, and I've been spending probably too much time with some good friends today. Yes, I DID leave my house. I walked to the 7-11 behind my apartment to get another gallon of milk so I could eat more Cheerios. So there.

My dad ROCKS!

So I found out 2 days ago that my school will NOT be continuing the French program next year - not enough budget $, yada yada yada. They made the best decision they knew how, and I don't blame them for it, and I'm not bitter. Honest honest.

In fact, it's really kind of an exciting feeling! Here is how my dad put it:

Wow! What a great opportunity to design your life!

Freshly minted masters, lotsa experience, no debts, no anchors, an income stream for some months yet, positive support from your previous employer!

99.9% of the population would kill to be in your shoes!

Love,

Dad

And hey - he's right!! So...where should I go?????

Years of famine, apparently

The rest of the story:

In fourth period today, pretty much right after the bell rang to begin class, all my students were in their seats, with their hands in the air.

Yup, you guessed it - they all wanted to go get a drink of water. :)

It's kinda fun to have an inside joke with my students.

Third period drought

The back-story:
There is a drinking fountain about six feet from the door of my classroom, so I let kids get a drink pretty much whenever they want, but they DO have to raise their hands and ask.
And also, I have a class of all seventh graders during fourth period.

The story:
During a presentation of new vocabulary in 4th period today, approximately half my students, one at a time, raised their hands and asked if they could get a drink of water. Since I kept thinking that they were raising their hands to answer my questions about the new vocab, I kept calling on them and having the flow of class totally interrupted. GRR. Finally I said, "What is the deal?! Was there a DROUGHT in 3rd period today??" to which all my students, at the top of their voices, responded, "YES!" So I said, half-kidding, "Shall we just ALL go get a drink??" to which all my students, at the top of their voices, responded, "YES!"

So we took 3 minutes of class time for them to quietly pile into the hall and get a drink, which is fine with me, if it allows class to carry on without 25 individual requests to go get a drink.

I was attempting to restart class by saying, "Now that we're all well-hydrated..." when one of my students piped up, "Now I have to go to the bathroom!"

...

Sometimes stuff just STINKS.

Yesterday I was bugged at:

• boys
• traffic
• staying at work too long and getting too little done
• being hungry

Today I am bugged at:

• my crappy lesson plan for today
• hitting the snooze button too many times
• snotty students who won't stay on task in class

BUT - I saw my aunt as Aunt Martha in "Arsenic and Old Lace" last night, and she was FABULOUS, just like I knew she would be. And there ARE tasks in my life that ARE getting done. And my first payment for my trip to France this summer is due, which means I am REALLY GOING!

So I guess I can keep on just keepin' on for a little while longer. :P

It's gonna be a good day!!

And here's why:

1. I did not have to scrape ice off my car this morning!
2. Even tho I slept until 6:30 instead of getting up at 5 like I wanted to, I STILL got a couple of kick-tushy French lessons prepared! YAY!!
   
3. I did laundry in the middle of the night so my favorite pants are clean clean CLEAN!

And that's enough reasons. :)

Two things

#1 - I missed my blog-iversary four days ago! I've officially been a blogger for a year. Weird. And I remember where I was in my old house (two houses ago :) ) when I felt that feeling that I posted about. And I remember what was happening in my life and in the lives of some of my good friends. It was a crazy, crazy time. :) And now here I am - thesis defended, 6 months into my first year of teaching, getting ready to apply for a PhD program (!!). A year ago I had one less niece, my sister was still in China, my other sis and her family hadn't moved into the state yet, I hadn't made my trip to France yet.

And I'm trying to avoid LOTS of really cheesy cliches right now, about time...and how it passes...and how we grow...and change...and even tho I mean it and it is important, to me and in general, I don't really know how to say it right now without it all coming out sounding like blah-dy blah-dy blah, so we'll just go on to thing...

#2 - I REALLY like BOTH of my jobs! How stinkin' COOL is THAT!?! Seriously, I had a GREAT day at the junior high today, and as I was wrapping up my day and getting ready to go home I thought, "YAY! Tomorrow I get to go to that other job!" I like that. :) I like that I feel prepared and well-placed in BOTH of my jobs. I like that I feel like I can contribute in both my jobs. I like that they are different and so I have a break from each one every other day and so I am still excited to go to each one. :) I like that I get 3 paychecks a month. :) :) It just feels down-to-my-bones GOOD to really ENJOY my work.

And that is all.

Blog out, internets.

I'm all fired up!

I just had a GREAT discussion with the other language teachers at my school, and I am feeling renewedly (I know that's not a word) excited about teaching! See, 'cause here's the thing - it's hard to find a balance between all the different aspects of teaching. Plus life. :) I LOVE interacting with my students - they are hysterical, and I think I have a pretty good rapport with them. I enjoy the time that I get to spend facilitating their learning. I even don't completely HATE the time I have to spend grading the assignments that I give them. :) And I am absolutely FANATICAL about updating and storing my lessons plans after I teach every day. These little things I can do.

But I'm feeling that I'm NOT so good at having an overall teaching plan / curriculum and making sure that everything I do fits into that plan. I feel like it's hard enough to grade all their papers and make sure they have something reasonably effective to do in the classroom each day - the thought of taking MORE time to develop my overall grand-scheme long term plan and make sure it fits in with the district, state, and national standards is EXHAUSTING and makes me want to DIE. And as I type this, and LIVE this, I KNOW that it's DUMB DUMB DUMB to go day-to-day, teaching "stuff" and not knowing how - or even IF!! - it's going to get my students to where I want them to be by the end of the day / unit / year. So I struggle.

But during our discussion today I got to see a little bit more from the perspectives of these other two teachers at my school, and now I feel better. I think I "get" a little better now that we are all just doing the best that we can, and that my "best" will keep getting better. I made a statement comparing myself to a French teacher in the district who is SO organized and seems to be SUCH a good teacher, and one of my colleagues said, "And how long has SHE been teaching?" Ok, good point. :) I'm in my FIRST YEAR. I haven't even taught my whole curriculum ONCE yet! So it's ok that I don't have perfectly sculpted lesson plans and flawless speaking tests and exciting culture units yet! But I CAN start NOW to WORK to be excellent! There is more that I CAN do than what I AM doing, and I saw a few of those things today, and was reminded that I KNOW that teaching is a learning process. Thank goodness! :) And, ya know, go team!