I visited some old friends today...

I was in the neighborhood, so I stopped by to see George...


...Abe...

...and Jeff.

It was nice to see them again. (Hi, guys! :) )

That poor digitized feline...

I'm editing video today, so I'm down in the lab where they do that sort of thing, and the other guy in here working today is hilarious, and he was putting another DV tape in the deck, and it makes a HORRIBLE sound as the tape goes in, and when the horrendous noise started he went:

"Oh yeah! W W W dot catintheblender dot com!"

And it totally cracked me up. :)

For Carolina

Word of the day: acquiesce

I'm using it in a paper, but do I need cite that the only reason I know this word is from the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie? You know, in which Keira Knightley and Geoffrey Rush both say,

"I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request."

That would look awesome on my references list.

A letter to my dearly beloved

I miss you.

I know that when we first got together it seemed like we'd be spending a lot of time together, just you-and-me alone time, and I think we both really looked forward to that, and yet that hasn't really happened as much as I think either of us would like. These little brief snatches of time that we have together really aren't enough! And I know it's my fault - I've been so caught up in other things lately that I haven't made time with you a high enough priority, and I regret it - A LOT. This has been a problem with me in the past, with similar relationships, and I have always regretted it.

You have been there for me, consistently, and yet I have not given you the time you deserve. And really, everything in my life goes so much better when I get to spend more time with you on a regular basis. I sleep better, I feel calmer, I am more productive, and I have more energy. It's really amazing to me what an impact you have on my life!

So I'm asking for another chance to make things right between us - I do better, I really can! After today, when I turn in my papers at 5pm and then at 10pm, we'll get to spend LOTS of time together, dear bed, I promise!!

So...can I see you tonight?

Love,
Me

Finals week

No, but seriously - mine's gone, can I borrow yours?? Just for 32 hours?? I'll give it back - I promise!!

If I fail in life and die...

...it will be because I was checking blogs when I was supposed to be finishing my stats final that I have to turn in in about an hour.

Yeah, take a wild guess how much I am luuuurving stats right now...

A tough choice

So I was in a meeting with my boss and my advisor the other day, and I'm not sure how it came up, but I told them that usually after finals I either get a) sick or b) a haircut.

Which do YOU think I should do this time? Meaning, on Saturday, or Friday night at 10pm, after I hand in my two research papers?

I really am thinking of getting a haircut, maybe a drastic one, and I keep thinking about this one, even tho my hair isn't quite as long now as it was in the "before" pictures there, and even tho that one doesn't really look as drastic as it felt at the time. :) But the hair is getting to be a bit much, and I'm ready for LOTS of it to be gone. So I'm trying to decide how short to go, and I'm really wishing I could have my fabulous stylist in the west cut it, but I won't be there until August, and I can't wait that long. I would love to go to her and just say, "ok, cut it off. do whatever you think will look good." And she would, and it would be great, but when I have to a) decide what I want on my own and b) trust someone besides her to do it - that's scary. :)

So I went through lots of pictures of me during the past few years, to remember the different lengths I've had my hair and to remember what it's like at those lengths so that I can think more clearly about what I want to do. And I came to a fascinating conclusion.

Ready? Here it is:

When I actually DO my hair, I like how it looks. Whatever length it is, basically whatever style it is (not that it's been THAT varied over the past few years).

When I DON'T do my hair, I don't like how it looks. Whatever length it is, basically whatever style it is.

Rocket science, eh? So it sounds like the solution is not a new haircut, but actually DOING something with the haircut I have? Lame.

Maybe I'll just get sick instead.

I'm trying out a new feeling.

So - school. It's going well, even though I now officially have ONE WEEK to write two research papers, neither of which is in a very good state right now, but that's not what I want to write out right now. :)

I'm trying to figure out which TA-ship I should do next year. And yes, I recognize that it is REALLY NICE to have options. And, as I told my mom on the phone the other day, they are both good options - as in, if some external force made the decision for me, I'd pretty much be ok either way. And as my mom pointed out to me, that means I really can't make a bad decision here - there isn't one. And that's kind of a relief. :)

The thing I'm struggling with is what I am "supposed" to do with my career. For the last few years I have felt like I wanted to go in a certain direction with my career, and that impacted my decision to come to this school, and has impacted my choices of classes and research projects so far. I also feel some sense of obligation to the faculty that I worked with during my masters - they knew my plans and direction when I came here, and I feel a little bit like changing direction would be betraying them and the support they gave and continue to give me. But I also recognize the ridiculousness in that, and that I can't and shouldn't live my life based on what I think my former advisors think I'm doing. :) Or even what they hope I'm doing. I have to live my own life - it'll be a really painful career if I'm doing it based on someone else's interests.

And then there's also this - I took a long time to finish my masters degree, and even though I got to do a lot of really cool stuff during that time, taking that long to finish didn't do happy things for my self-esteem. And part of the reason that it took so long was because I didn't know what I wanted to do at the end of the degree, or even what thesis project I wanted to do during the degree. When I found the topic that ended up becoming my thesis, it was very exciting to me - I felt like I had found my purpose, I had found something that I loved and that I could actually DO, and I

F
I
N
A
L
L
Y

had some direction!! So that topic / research direction / career direction is, I think, very associated in my head with that emotional release and relief of knowing that I had FOUND IT. So the thought of letting go of this direction to maybe try out going in a different direction feels a little bit like a betrayal of myself as well, and a little bit like I'd be letting go of any semblance of control or of the power of a previously-made choice about what direction I'm going, and I also REALLY don't want to reenter that "no man's land" of "I don't know what I'm going to do at end of this degree" feeling, because that feels too much to me like "I have no direction in my life or career" and I've already spent enough time feeling that way and was VERY happy to get out of it.

But in talking to my mom the other day about the options for TAships for next year, and the possible future implications of that choice, I realized that my whole view of my future and of Heavenly Father's plan for me might be wrong.

I realized that I've been feeling like there is some GOAL or PLACE or NICHE TO FILL out there in the wide world somewhere for me, and that it is static, and that I have to make sure that I make the "right" choices, find the "right" path, turn to the "correct" page in the "Choose Your Own Adventure" that is my life, so that I can arrive at that specified place.

But what if that's not really how it is??

It might be that this whole "life" thing and this whole "career" is much more freeform than that, that I really do develop it and form it as I go, and that as long as I don't make any morally incorrect choices, and as long as I involve Heavenly Father in my decisions and follow the promptings that I receive, I won't - can't! - make a wrong decision. Maybe it really is that I just choose as I go along, and rather than feeling like I'm struggling or fighting to find the "right" path, I just create it as I go, and whatever I create is fine.

It's kind of a freeing feeling, and kind of a scary feeling, and I'm trying to try it out to see if I like it. And that's not as easy as it sounds.

Favorite talks or scriptures about baptism??

So I mentioned that my friend A is getting baptized on Saturday - YAY! :) Well, she asked me to give a talk on baptism. I've been reading and studying and finding references, but now I'm asking you - what is your favorite scripture or General Conference talk about baptism? or that would be appropriate to share in a talk on baptism? I've been thinking about baptism itself, but also about covenants in general, and about newness of life, the change that occurs in our hearts as we grow closer to the Lord, being the people of the Lord...

Thoughts?

And the soundtrack of my day today is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on YouTube, and found this. Oh man, I really LOVE this piece:

Hooray for...

...the cute little bunny rabbit I saw outside the public library last night :)

...the public library not charging me late fees for the two books that were two weeks overdue (phew!)

...good friend A getting baptized on Saturday!!!!! I'm so thrilled!

...the General Conference Ensign arriving in my mailbox yesterday - WAHOO!!!

Happy happy joy joy!!

I was chatting online with my sis just now, and then my niece woke up from her nap, and my sis typed, "incoming" and I got this in my inbox:

Subject: There's a message for you on the card



You can click on the picture to see the message on the card, and if her little pudgy hand holding the card and her tousled bed-head and her pink cheeks and her cheery little "I just woke up" smile don't just melt your heart...then maybe you aren't ME!

So I quickly took a (really bad) picture of myself with my cell phone, signing "I love you," and sent it to them, and my niece babbled excitedly at my picture. :) I love it. :)

I think I'm ok that I live here. :)

So I've been running lately. I haven't put in place anything so committed (read: stressful and guilt-inducing) as an actual schedule or plan, however. Running is supposed to RELIEVE stress, not create more when I don't feel like it on the day I'm scheduled to go! But it's been nice. There have been days when I get home and I think, "I'd really like to go for a run tonight," so I do. :) There are a couple of parks and a lake near my apartment, so I've run there, and it really is nice to be out in nature. I spend so much time with my nose in a book or my eyes on a computer screen that sometimes I forget that there are things like, oh, trees. And grass. And ponds. And breezes. I really like all of those. Water is especially peaceful for me, and I've thought a lot about how the Savior's voice is compared in the scriptures to the sound of rushing waters. I've always loved living near water, and just standing on the edge, looking out.

Last night, while my laundry was in at my friends' house, I went running in the neighborhood around their house. After barreling my way up a hill (go me!), I found myself running along a golf course, and it was really peaceful and good for the soul. :) When I turned around to head back, I got to watch a gorgeous sunset over the green hills and trees of the golf course - awesome!

It was a little chilly on my run - summer hasn't quite hit yet, but it is surely spring. Being in school means that the seasons only matter in terms of what they indicate about how soon finals are coming :) and apparently summer does come later here than where I've lived previously, but that's ok with me, since finals come later, too. :) So I've been glad that it's not too summer-like yet so that I'm not distracted from the 2 big research papers I have to write in the next two weeks.

And being out running has reminded me that it really is beautiful here, in this place where I am! There are LOTS of parks all over the place, and I really love the trees, and the fact that pretty much every park has a pond. I was thinking last night while I was running that I like it here. :) And that's good, seeing as how my documentation supports the fact that I really do live here now. :)

Note to self

Dear self,

If you stop eating, you'll have this problem again.

It's annoying.

You should eat.

Love,
Me